Monday, February 25, 2013

2/25/13 The Other Half of the Family OR What Happens When You’ve Got Minors, and You Really Want to Go Gambling

We heard that the NPR show “Wait, Wait! Don’t Tell Me” reviewed the McDonald’s Fish McBites.  We’d like it known that we, too, have a review.  We gave our kids a mission, $10 and the keys to a car.  The following is what happened…

TRIGGER WARNING: This review was written by my 16-year-old son F, whose deadpan cynicism is often liquefied and force-fed back to him as a form of nutritional paste. If he comes off as a bit too snarky for his own good, it’s because we accidentally gave him an overdose. Be warned…

Apparently, my parents think McDonalds is Catholic.

If all goes according to plan, you will already know that D and T went off on a magical adventure to a place called a “casino,” leaving us kids behind at home to fend for ourselves. I’m sure that their gambling night was wild fun, but right before they headed out, they declared that we would be spending our dinnertime at McDonalds eating their brand-new FishMcBites®.

Naturally, both Z and I had the response of “Ehhhhh…”

Still, heaven forbid we disobey our parents, so we set off with their money to the nearest location of everybody’s favorite burger franchise. I, not wanting to show off how amazing I am at reading an internet map, immediately turned left instead of right at a crossroads, heading in the opposite direction and thereby putting my sister in the perfect mood for eating the food McDonalds had to offer.

A quick note here: By parental stipulation, we had to eat “there”. Not “to go” or “Drive Thru and Drive Home,” but “there.”  “So, it’s nice, hot and fresh.”

Finally, after convincing my sister that I totally knew what I was doing, we finally stepped in to the fast-food joint to commence ordering. It seems that any notion of a “dollar menu” has completely slipped McDonald’s mind, as everything on the menu seemed to be priced at two dollars or over. Even the Fish McBites®­ were, at their smallest, $2.39, with the regular being $3.39 and the large costing a wallet shattering $5.39.

Yes, twenty-some pellets of Alaskan Pollock cost more than twelve eleven inches of sandwich at Subway.

Anyway, after ordering the meal we had set out to get (as well as a medium fries to share), we sat down and began eating. On the plus side, the bag was very colorful and featured multiple fun facts such as “We wash our lettuce twice!” and “In India, a big favorite is the McAloo Tikki potato burger®!” Also, the box was pretty innovative, with a little flap hanging off the side to hold the tartar sauce box. 

And you will need that tartar sauce, tasteless as it may be, because the pellets of fish themselves tasted like absolute –

I’m a little unclear how clean my mother is with this blog, so I’ll just say they were *ahem* quite terrible.

I know the Lutheran 3rd amendment is “Do not take the Lord’s name in vain,” but Jesus Christ! Did they just flash fry these and call it a day? I’m not even sure they qualify as food! 

While nice and tongue-burningly hot, as my mother had hoped, they did not properly prepare them in any possible way! I am under the belief that I ingested 230 calories of pure cardboard airbrushed white and stuck in a vat of oil for about 3 seconds to get it to that nice “We hate you, never come back” texture.

I am ashamed that I spent my parent’s money on you, McDonalds.

Also, the fries were lukewarm and over-salted. So there’s that.

To recommend McDonalds for your Fish Fry fix would imply that it had nutritional value outside of calories and saturated fats. Instead, I recommend getting a large supply of their water cups, because at least then you might find a grease stain that you can lick up which, while being incredibly unhealthy, would at least have some sort of flavor.

PS. I asked Z for her opinion, and she gave me one word:


She summed up my 560 word rant with one word. You win this round, little sis.

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