Friday, March 8, 2013

Stations of the Fish

TRIGGER WARNING: My son F again. This time, he has decided to take off his IV of sarcasm, and has instead decided to inject himself with The Serum of Blasphemy. If you know my son, you should expect to mourn at his funeral, as he is probably about to be cremated by a divine fire. Or turned to salt, because God sometimes did that, too.
He claims that this makes sense if you know the Catholic Stations of the Cross, which he does since he went to a Catholic Elementary School.  We paid for this.   I guess we should be aware of what I’m buying, because this makes minimal sense to me.  Alas, caveat emptor.  And with that….

Stations of the Fish

1: The Consumer (S/he who is great and powerful and donates greatly to charities) decides on The Fish Fry (The Charity, that which is accepting of money in exchange for food).

2: The Consumer is led by (or betrayed by) signs pointing to The Fish Fry.

3: The Consumer is accosted for monetary funds by The Fish Fry.

4: The Consumer is denied immediate nourishment by The Fish Fry Attendants (those who worship The Consumer for the assets that They may hand out).

5: The Consumer is silently judged as a stranger in A Most Holy House.

6: The Consumer is welcomed, and given The Plate (that which conveys nourishment).

7: The Consumer takes up his Fish (Fried or Baked, it is the true Primary Consumption of The Consumer)

8: The Consumer is helped by The Fish Fry Attendant to decide between Baked Potato (That that is a whole potato, and sliced once) or French Fries (That that is a potato sliced and fried)

9: The Consumer meets The Women (Those with two X chromosomes) of The Fish Fry, as they help The Consumer decide between Coleslaw (The cabbage shredded and blended), Applesauce (An apple that is pureed and sweetened), or Mac & Cheese (Cooked flour and water  that is Cheesed).

10: The Consumer has taken his fill, and eats of it.

11: The Consumer promises his money to The Fish Fry next week, in exchange for more of The Fish.

12: The Consumer entrusts His Friends (Those that know and fear The Consumer, and trust His/Her guidance) and The Fish Fry to each other.

13: The Consumer dies as A Lutheran (That that is the religion of The Consumer), and is reborn as A Catholic (That that is the religion of The Fish Fry).

14: The Consumer returns to His/Her Home (That that is the residing place of The Consumer).

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